Sunday, September 12, 2010

Dear Motivation, Please Return

No matter how hard I try, I can't stay motivated to complete anything.  I know WHY, but it is still frustrating.  My friend Mandy came to see my house Friday night.  Was trying to be motivated yesterday... but my friend Wayne came to see the house (and it was raining, so there was only so much I could do anyway).  Went to a wine festival with my parents, aunt and her husband after, my aunt got a little picture happy!  Here's one of me and my mom.
Today, mom and I went to a local craft show.  Neither one of us bought anything.  Was home for about an hour, then we went to my friend Staci's thirty-one party.  Was a good time, could've spent WAY more than I did if I had any disposable income.  I bought myself an apron and quit spending money.  Came home with plenty to do... the only thing I have accomplished is to cut apples from my tree and make baked cinnamon apples.  Was going to make applesauce, but I don't have a potato masher.

The problem is, in my head, I am super motivated and have a lot of things I want to get done.  I can't seem to keep my energy up to do it.... and part of it is just the fact that I don't care.  Yesterday, there was a part of me remembering where I should've been, and sad to be missing out.  Ditto for today. 

This True Blood addict will be waiting until tomorrow night for the season finale... I don't have HBO.  Used to watch it at Josh's, now Staci is recording it for me.  I'll go over there after school tomorrow to watch it, and spend some more time playing with her sweet boys.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"

Every year, I think back to that day.  September 11, 2001.  I was a senior in high school, happily oblivious to the cares of the world.  Walking out of AP English to go to second period, I hear NL yelling "Planes crashed into the World Trade Center."  All I could think was that it was a sick joke, because it could never really happen.  Went to my locker to get my government book, walked into Mrs. Begley's classroom... to see everything that NL had said was true.  That's why his voice had a tremor, why he sounded slightly terrified.  We sat there in silence - there was nothing to say.

We saw the second plane hit, and we all became terrified.  Although not all of in there were friends, we grabbed the hand of whoever was next to us, just to know someone was there.  We changed classes at the bells, watching, waiting.  I found out that the parents of some friends were supposed to be coming back to the US that day - thankfully, they made a call from overseas to state that they were ok, just not able to come home.  It would be 3 days before flights resumed and they could return to their children.

I remember sitting on the couch that night, curled up next to my Daddy, watching President Bush's remarks on TV.  Even next to my dad, I was scared.  If they could that, was there anywhere that was safe?  Even though we are relatively safe in the "country" we were close enough to Cincinnati that a nuclear or biological attack would effect us.  No matter what happened, my eyes had been open.  No longer could I be oblivious to world politics - they were too real now.  While I may not choose a political party, I know that what happens overseas and here at home will dictate things that happen in my life.

My parents were supposed to fly to Vegas that weekend, leaving me and my 10 year old brother behind.  I was almost 18, and perfectly capable of watching him for a 4 day weekend.  My mom broke down the next day though, knowing there was no way she could risk getting on a plane and leaving her babies at home alone.  It was confirmed that their trip would be delayed when my brother came home from school crying, begging them not to go in a plane that would crash.  They took that trip months later - my dad made sure that I knew where their wills were kept, etc, just in case.  It has stuck with me 9 years later.  While I never would have asked them to cancel their trip, I was thankful that they postponed.  I would have worried every second they were in the air.

9 years later, I have not forgotten where I was, what I was doing, and how it impacted my life.  I can't hear "God Bless America" without tears coming to my eye - we quickly learned it to play before a moment of silence at the football game Friday night.  Same thing for the National Anthem, when it's done well.  I've always been patriotic and supportive of our troops.   Now that my brother is in ROTC for the Navy, I'm even more so.  I only hope that when my children ask me where I was that day, I can answer them without bursting into tears.  It defined how the rest of my senior year went - I think it defined my class as a whole.  When we graduated, two events stood out - 9/11, and the loss of a classmate.  One was tragedy on a huge scale, one close to home.  Both were events that defined us a class, brought us together, but strengthened our resolve to live our lives fully, give to others, and help those around us.

I will never forget.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Heavy Heart

Sometimes, it seems that no matter how good things are, the bottom drops out.  Again, I delayed writing this - it's hard to lay it all out there where the whole world can read it.  It is also hard to write at all, because I keep praying it will be un-true.

Josh broke things off.  I haven't even told all my co-workers yet, because I cry every time I do.  This time, it hurts.  With David, I was embarrassed because I felt terrible telling people that the wedding I had been planning for 3 years wasn't going to happen.  Very quickly though, I felt relief to not be making such a large mistake.

With Josh, I am truly heartbroken.  This is the second time we've dated - and I wasn't ready for things to end either time.  Forgive me if posts are down in the dumps - that's how I feel right now.  I've been putting on a happy face and pretending my heart isn't crushed at school, because that's what a good teacher does.  It takes so much energy that I am physically drained by about noon, when I still have hours left to go.  I am constantly fighting the urge to cry - I can't get a hug from a friend because I will burst into tears, even though that's what I want more than anything in the world.  My stomach hurts from the knots that are constantly there in the fight to hold the tears back.  Something as simple as sitting through Mass can bring tears to fight.  In a lot of ways, I feel double the pain.  We had talked before starting a relationship this time about how things needed to be different, and that may be why we are here now.  We definitely saw things in different ways, and he made the decision he felt he needed to.  I may not agree and wish it weren't so, but I respect why he did it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, please excuse the sparse posts.  I don't want to bring anyone down, but there's not a lot to say.  I spent last weekend doing some work around the house, and will be taking pictures soon.  It's hard to be excited about what I accomplished when it was really a distraction!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Exercise Log 9

The truth is, I haven't been doing very well.  I have also been doing AWFUL at keeping track lately.  Not sure why, but it's the truth.

I know why I haven't been motivated - I'm EXHAUSTED.  I mean, seriously, went to bed at 7:30 last night.  And slept through until my alarm went off at 6 this morning, and still could barely drag myself out of bed.  I know there are people who say "You're getting too much sleep then" that's not a problem for me.  I feel like I need a nap every day - kind of like when I had mono.  Except I'm pretty sure I don't.

I did run last Thursday - made a mile in 11:50.  Thought I was going to die after, but I pushed hard to finish in less than 12 minutes.  I don't know why, but that was pretty important to me.

What do you do to stay motivated when you are tired?  Any tips for beating exhaustion?