The Truth

Sometimes, you see something that really hits you.  As in, lightbulb over the head, that's-exactly-what-I-needed, eureka moment.  For me, I found it this week at Much More Than Mommy.  She has been posting a short series this week titled "Never Marry a Man Who Lies."  It has been SO therapeutic for me.  In fact, her last installment (THE END) today had me in tears.  At school.  Something I try really hard not to do.

While my ex-fiance wasn't a liar, he wasn't 100% for me.  I got an email in our "wedding account" yesterday that was my "one month reminder."  It hit me that I was supposed to be getting married in less than a month.  I was supposed to be joining my life to his.

But I'm not.

And I'm ok with it.  Actually, I'm better than ok - I am thankful.  Will I still be sad on June 12?  Probably.  I mean, I was going to get to see friends and family that I get to see once every few years.  I was going to have time with my girls to just relax and get beautiful.  I was going to wear my princess dress.

But I remind myself what I don't have to put up with suffer through.  I don't have to be second best.  I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not just for someone's approval (and not HIS).  I won't be worrying about dealing with someone else's financial decisions (which were more than a little frightening).  I won't be putting up a facade.

And I GET a lot. 

• I get to be ME.  The real me, not some messed up fake version of me.  
• I got to by myself a house, and decorate it however I want to.  
• I get to be happy again - something I didn't realize I was missing.  I never wanted to be THAT GIRL... you know, the one whose happiness depends on his approval.... but I was.  And now I'm not.  My happiness does not depend on someone who makes me second (or third...). 
• I get to reconnect with an old friend.... and enjoy his company.  
• I get to reconnect with ANOTHER old friend, and follow through on some "what ifs".  And by what if, I mean "what if we hadn't broken up, what if I had never met David, what if things hadn't happened the way they did 5 years ago?"  Getting a second chance with Josh answers a lot of questions for me - in a really good way.  And...
• I get to relax.  And remember what it's like to just have fun.  With no pressure, surrounded by people who like me for me and who wonder when I'm not around.

 And it all brings me back to being thankful.  Thankful that he ended things when he did.  Thankful that I didn't try to make a big show out of it.... and realized so quickly what a blessing it was.  Thankful that there was no abuse involved.  Thankful that I am surrounded by family, friends, and co-workers who would do anything for me, legal or not.  Thankful that I am not the girl dwelling on what could've been (because now I realize it couldn't).

Thankful that I get a shot at truly finding my happily ever after.