Sunday, September 19, 2010

Memories and Broken Promises

It is amazing how quickly you realize all the promises that were broken when a relationship ends.  How, without warning, you get hit by another wave.

For instance, I had been promised to be taught how to shoot a handgun.  It was thought that I needed to learn how to protect myself.  Why did I remember this?  Because my brother suggested that I shoot the stray cat that keeps going into my shed.

Or the fact that I've lost my motivation for exercising.  I had an offer made to me (which I don't feel right sharing, especially now that it won't happen) that was made in the interest of helping to keep me motivated at a time when I was struggling.  All motivators that I had are now gone.  What reminded me of that?  The soreness I felt this morning from sealing my deck - it was exactly like the day after the first time I did the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.

Offers to help pay for things that were/are slightly beyond my reach, but necessary.  You know, those little evils that pop up.  Again... the offer was made, but the promise is gone.  The reminder came when I had to buy some of those evils today.

Every time I drive by his house, I feel my heart clench.  I drove by him on Friday on my way home - we waved at each other, and I managed not to cry.  But it hurt that the only exchange, only communication in weeks, was a wave.

I had a dream last night.  Dreams sometimes hurt more than reality.  To dream that a ring had been bought.... I don't even know what to think anymore.  It kept me awake most of the night, because I was afraid it would play again - and yet part of me was wishing it was true.  Why is it that our dreams reflect the things we want most which are sometimes the things that we fear most?

Friday, September 17, 2010

Busy Bee

It's been a busy week with lots of changes.  Originally, I was supposed to be at a workshop today, but they couldn't get enough subs for the day, so I'm at school.  I found this out after I had arranged for a sub for Mass, so I had to let her know that I didn't need her.
Tuesday night was grocery shopping, home for less than an hour, followed by community band rehearsal.  I'm really enjoying getting to play my clarinet on a regular basis again, even if my hands and mouth are worn out by the end of the rehearsals.  It's nice to be doing something with the instrument that I spent so long learning!
Wednesday saw me and my mom attending a visitation.  The grandfather of a huge family from the church I attended through high school passed away.  Knowing so many of the family members, and my mom working with one, we knew we had to attend.  After, we measured doors and windows at my house, and did all the figuring to order siding.
Last night mom and I went to Home Depot and ordered the siding for my house!  It's a color called granite - it's the darkest gray I could find, although it's still only about a medium gray.  Fastest way to spend a large chunk of change, that's for sure!  Then we went to O'Charlie's, Dad's treat from Tuscon, lol (he's out there for business training).
After school today, I'm supposed to visit a friend and her new baby.  Two church festivals and hoping to seal my deck means another busy weekend!

Monday, September 13, 2010

By trying not to cry, I make myself sick

I don't know about you, but crying during my workday just doesn't work for me.  Part of that is that regaining my state of mind to teach young children takes a lot of effort - part of it is that I'm usually about finished at that point.  Needless to say, with being unhappy about the current situation, I want to cry at least a few times a day.  Something hits me, I have a thought of something we did, I see a picture, and I fight tears.

In the process of not crying, I've ended up with an upset tummy.  It's in knots most of the day, and I'm not hungry.  I still eat 3 meals a day because I'm supposed to, and if I get hungry I make sure to take advantage of it.  Most of the time, my tummy is so upset that I feel like I should be afraid to eat.  I try to drink a lot of coke (it was what my mom used to give me when I was sick) and eat tums when that's no possible.

I keep thinking things will get easier.  I keep thinking that today will be the day I don't cry.  Then I fall into a trap somewhere, or someone mentions something, and I feel myself choking up.  Repressing it is driving me crazy, but it's what I have to do to get through the day.  I know it WILL get easier - I just hope that it happens sooner rather than later!

How do you deal with sadness in your work-life?  Any tips for going through a grieving process while still functioning?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Dear Motivation, Please Return

No matter how hard I try, I can't stay motivated to complete anything.  I know WHY, but it is still frustrating.  My friend Mandy came to see my house Friday night.  Was trying to be motivated yesterday... but my friend Wayne came to see the house (and it was raining, so there was only so much I could do anyway).  Went to a wine festival with my parents, aunt and her husband after, my aunt got a little picture happy!  Here's one of me and my mom.
Today, mom and I went to a local craft show.  Neither one of us bought anything.  Was home for about an hour, then we went to my friend Staci's thirty-one party.  Was a good time, could've spent WAY more than I did if I had any disposable income.  I bought myself an apron and quit spending money.  Came home with plenty to do... the only thing I have accomplished is to cut apples from my tree and make baked cinnamon apples.  Was going to make applesauce, but I don't have a potato masher.

The problem is, in my head, I am super motivated and have a lot of things I want to get done.  I can't seem to keep my energy up to do it.... and part of it is just the fact that I don't care.  Yesterday, there was a part of me remembering where I should've been, and sad to be missing out.  Ditto for today. 

This True Blood addict will be waiting until tomorrow night for the season finale... I don't have HBO.  Used to watch it at Josh's, now Staci is recording it for me.  I'll go over there after school tomorrow to watch it, and spend some more time playing with her sweet boys.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"

Every year, I think back to that day.  September 11, 2001.  I was a senior in high school, happily oblivious to the cares of the world.  Walking out of AP English to go to second period, I hear NL yelling "Planes crashed into the World Trade Center."  All I could think was that it was a sick joke, because it could never really happen.  Went to my locker to get my government book, walked into Mrs. Begley's classroom... to see everything that NL had said was true.  That's why his voice had a tremor, why he sounded slightly terrified.  We sat there in silence - there was nothing to say.

We saw the second plane hit, and we all became terrified.  Although not all of in there were friends, we grabbed the hand of whoever was next to us, just to know someone was there.  We changed classes at the bells, watching, waiting.  I found out that the parents of some friends were supposed to be coming back to the US that day - thankfully, they made a call from overseas to state that they were ok, just not able to come home.  It would be 3 days before flights resumed and they could return to their children.

I remember sitting on the couch that night, curled up next to my Daddy, watching President Bush's remarks on TV.  Even next to my dad, I was scared.  If they could that, was there anywhere that was safe?  Even though we are relatively safe in the "country" we were close enough to Cincinnati that a nuclear or biological attack would effect us.  No matter what happened, my eyes had been open.  No longer could I be oblivious to world politics - they were too real now.  While I may not choose a political party, I know that what happens overseas and here at home will dictate things that happen in my life.

My parents were supposed to fly to Vegas that weekend, leaving me and my 10 year old brother behind.  I was almost 18, and perfectly capable of watching him for a 4 day weekend.  My mom broke down the next day though, knowing there was no way she could risk getting on a plane and leaving her babies at home alone.  It was confirmed that their trip would be delayed when my brother came home from school crying, begging them not to go in a plane that would crash.  They took that trip months later - my dad made sure that I knew where their wills were kept, etc, just in case.  It has stuck with me 9 years later.  While I never would have asked them to cancel their trip, I was thankful that they postponed.  I would have worried every second they were in the air.

9 years later, I have not forgotten where I was, what I was doing, and how it impacted my life.  I can't hear "God Bless America" without tears coming to my eye - we quickly learned it to play before a moment of silence at the football game Friday night.  Same thing for the National Anthem, when it's done well.  I've always been patriotic and supportive of our troops.   Now that my brother is in ROTC for the Navy, I'm even more so.  I only hope that when my children ask me where I was that day, I can answer them without bursting into tears.  It defined how the rest of my senior year went - I think it defined my class as a whole.  When we graduated, two events stood out - 9/11, and the loss of a classmate.  One was tragedy on a huge scale, one close to home.  Both were events that defined us a class, brought us together, but strengthened our resolve to live our lives fully, give to others, and help those around us.

I will never forget.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Heavy Heart

Sometimes, it seems that no matter how good things are, the bottom drops out.  Again, I delayed writing this - it's hard to lay it all out there where the whole world can read it.  It is also hard to write at all, because I keep praying it will be un-true.

Josh broke things off.  I haven't even told all my co-workers yet, because I cry every time I do.  This time, it hurts.  With David, I was embarrassed because I felt terrible telling people that the wedding I had been planning for 3 years wasn't going to happen.  Very quickly though, I felt relief to not be making such a large mistake.

With Josh, I am truly heartbroken.  This is the second time we've dated - and I wasn't ready for things to end either time.  Forgive me if posts are down in the dumps - that's how I feel right now.  I've been putting on a happy face and pretending my heart isn't crushed at school, because that's what a good teacher does.  It takes so much energy that I am physically drained by about noon, when I still have hours left to go.  I am constantly fighting the urge to cry - I can't get a hug from a friend because I will burst into tears, even though that's what I want more than anything in the world.  My stomach hurts from the knots that are constantly there in the fight to hold the tears back.  Something as simple as sitting through Mass can bring tears to fight.  In a lot of ways, I feel double the pain.  We had talked before starting a relationship this time about how things needed to be different, and that may be why we are here now.  We definitely saw things in different ways, and he made the decision he felt he needed to.  I may not agree and wish it weren't so, but I respect why he did it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, please excuse the sparse posts.  I don't want to bring anyone down, but there's not a lot to say.  I spent last weekend doing some work around the house, and will be taking pictures soon.  It's hard to be excited about what I accomplished when it was really a distraction!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Exercise Log 9

The truth is, I haven't been doing very well.  I have also been doing AWFUL at keeping track lately.  Not sure why, but it's the truth.

I know why I haven't been motivated - I'm EXHAUSTED.  I mean, seriously, went to bed at 7:30 last night.  And slept through until my alarm went off at 6 this morning, and still could barely drag myself out of bed.  I know there are people who say "You're getting too much sleep then" that's not a problem for me.  I feel like I need a nap every day - kind of like when I had mono.  Except I'm pretty sure I don't.

I did run last Thursday - made a mile in 11:50.  Thought I was going to die after, but I pushed hard to finish in less than 12 minutes.  I don't know why, but that was pretty important to me.

What do you do to stay motivated when you are tired?  Any tips for beating exhaustion?