Sunday, September 19, 2010

Memories and Broken Promises

It is amazing how quickly you realize all the promises that were broken when a relationship ends.  How, without warning, you get hit by another wave.

For instance, I had been promised to be taught how to shoot a handgun.  It was thought that I needed to learn how to protect myself.  Why did I remember this?  Because my brother suggested that I shoot the stray cat that keeps going into my shed.

Or the fact that I've lost my motivation for exercising.  I had an offer made to me (which I don't feel right sharing, especially now that it won't happen) that was made in the interest of helping to keep me motivated at a time when I was struggling.  All motivators that I had are now gone.  What reminded me of that?  The soreness I felt this morning from sealing my deck - it was exactly like the day after the first time I did the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.

Offers to help pay for things that were/are slightly beyond my reach, but necessary.  You know, those little evils that pop up.  Again... the offer was made, but the promise is gone.  The reminder came when I had to buy some of those evils today.

Every time I drive by his house, I feel my heart clench.  I drove by him on Friday on my way home - we waved at each other, and I managed not to cry.  But it hurt that the only exchange, only communication in weeks, was a wave.

I had a dream last night.  Dreams sometimes hurt more than reality.  To dream that a ring had been bought.... I don't even know what to think anymore.  It kept me awake most of the night, because I was afraid it would play again - and yet part of me was wishing it was true.  Why is it that our dreams reflect the things we want most which are sometimes the things that we fear most?

2 comments:

faithtrustnpixiedust said...

i love you! and I'm thinking of you. Seriously if you need anything, let me know. I know what you're going through!

bekapaige said...

This is so hard :( I'm so sorry for what you're going through.